


Bureaucracy

by LunaLateNight



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:55:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29942064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunaLateNight/pseuds/LunaLateNight
Summary: Facing new and scary things in the field is one sort of horror; facing the fact that it happens regularly enough that there’s a form for it is something else.
Comments: 34
Kudos: 45





	Bureaucracy

**Author's Note:**

> Body transformation: squid (not detailed)
> 
> Some forms are meant to reference specific incidents from the show; some are meant to imply other incidents off screen.
> 
> Thanks once again to my fellow comma-lover preciousanon for beta'ing.

Newly promoted General Jack O’Neill finally has a quiet day to catch up on paperwork. He braces himself for a boring morning and picks up the first form in his inbox.

Commissary requisitions, fine. Next: armory requisitions--holy shit expensive--fine. Next: a minor injury off-world is going to put SG-11 on stand down for a few days, OK. Next form: Body Transformation, Temporary: Squid. 

General O’Neill stares at the form for a long moment. Of course he’s aware, as is everyone working at the SGC who has been on-world any time in the last 36 hours, that a member of SG-7 is currently a squid. Her team has been wearing her around the base like some sort of animated backpack as they investigate how to reverse whatever happened to her. Kind of hard to miss. Not to mention the buckets of faintly squid-smelling water here and there for her to perch in. He appreciates that someone is keeping him updated with a report, really he does, but _when did they get a form for this_?

“When did we get a form for Body Transformation, Temporary or Permanent?” he asks out loud.

His aide leans into the room, “That replaced form SGC03-0155 last month, sir.”

“Form SGC03-0155.”

“Yes, sir. It was replaced by this more general purpose form.”

He stares suspiciously at his computer for a long moment then gives in and calls up form SGC03-0155 (Superseded by: SGC09-9897) Change of Sex and/or Gender by Alien Means. He decides it might be time for a coffee break.

~~~

“Did you know there’s a form for Body Transformation?”

“Oh hello Jack. Yes, I saw that. Did SG-7 fill one out already? We were never that prompt with our paperwork.”

“You don’t think it’s weird that we have a form for that, Daniel?”

“Considering the other forms we have? No. Now form SGC08-1089C, that one I kind of take personally. But after the variety of physical changes we’ve seen over the years it seems overdue.”

“Yeah, OK, there have been some incidents. But they were all resolved.”

“Oh, I think there’s been enough to say there’s a pattern. You want a list?”

“No, that’s alright. You eating lunch on base today?”

Daniel turns back to his translation, “I think I’ll be working through lunch to get this finished. But Sam is around, I think.”

General O’Neill goes back to his office. Before resuming his work clearing the inbox he calls up form SGC08-1089C: Petition for Back Pay while Ascended (Civilian Contractor). Yeah, Daniel has a point there. Someone in Accounting is incredibly passive-aggressive.

~~~

Sam contemplates the ordinary looking squid on the table in front of her, “She seems to have retained her human knowledge and reasoning? How is that possible, with such a reduction in size?”

The man next to her shrugs, “She’s our neurobiologist.”

The squid waves her tentacles enthusiastically.

“She does that whenever the topic comes up; we think she has a theory but we don’t know what it is.”

“I thought you said she could communicate with the keyboard.”

“Well, yes, but her skin needs to stay wet while the keyboard needs to stay dry so we’ve had to keep it to short responses.”

Sam looks at the line of keyboards turned on end in front of a fan at the other side of the lab and nods. She could point out that the military has hardened keyboards that could withstand such treatment but requisitioning one might sound too much like long term planning at this point. The squid’s team is still in good spirits and clearly expects that this will be resolved soon. Sam isn’t so sure, but she knows how hard it is to hear when someone implies otherwise while you still have hope. She’ll check quietly and make sure there’s a hardened keyboard available in case they need it.

Sam addresses the squid, “I look forward to reading your report when you have thumbs again.”

The squid sketches a respectable salute. 

Technically, a salute from a civilian scientist (squid) is improper but thankfully they don’t have a form for that yet.

~~~

“Join me for lunch, Colonel Carter?”

“Love to, sir.”

“How’s SG-7 holding up?”

“Pretty well, sir. There’s supposed to be a shaman who is “trained in the ancient mysteries” and might know how to reverse this. She’s off on some pilgrimage right now but they are optimistic that when she returns this evening she’ll be able to take care of it.”

“Yeah. That’s what they put on the form.”

“Oh, they filed that already? We never did that.”

“That’s because one form leads to another. Now they’ll have to file a revision every time something happens.”

“I’m sure they just wanted to keep you up to date, sir.”

“They could have just told me!”

“SG-7 is all scientists. I think they find forms less intimidating, sir.”

~~~

After lunch Jack sits back at his desk and looks at his inbox suspiciously. He picks up the first form: SGC01-0131 Loss of IDC Device. A member of SG-3 was briefly held captive before being rescued by the rest of his team. His IDC was taken, so all IDCs will be updated to broadcast on a new frequency as a routine security measure. Standard SGC operations stuff. Medical requisitions, fine. Sam wants a new oscilloscope? Fine.

Half a dozen SGC01-0102 Discovery of New Alien Life Form (Non Sentient) forms detailing some apparently interesting plants on a new planet; he’ll take the scientist’s word for it that they are interesting. They seem non-hostile at least. None of them appear to proliferate at an alarming rate, release any offensive toxins, or otherwise pose an obvious danger in any way the designer of the form has thought to ask about. Best of luck to the Medical department curing cancer with them or whatever.

He reaches for the next form: SGC09-0572 Mind Reading or Telepathic Incident. Jack looks at the clock: 13:25; it’s going to be a long day. He looks back at the form. It seems SG-14 had a brush with some mind reading technology. The locals apologized once they were sure none of the team members were Goa’uld. He can respect their caution but they should flag this to warn any future expeditions to that world. Meanwhile SG-14 gets to memorize a new IDC code.

It’s not like he’s never filled out any of these forms himself although clearly some (many) of them were created after something SG-1 did (or had done to them) and SG-1 therefore escaped filling out the form because it didn’t exist at the time of their incident.

Jack decides he should just rip the bandaid off. 

He calls to his aide, “Lieutenant?”

“Yes, sir?”

“Bring me a list of all classified SGC-specific special incident forms.”

“Yes, sir.” 

General O’Neill stares at the list of forms. The first half dozen are basic SGC forms he’s been filing for years. Beyond that memory and imagination fill in the stories behind the bland official names.

SGC01-0101 Discovery of New Alien Race (Sentient)  
SGC01-0102 Discovery of New Alien Life Form (Non Sentient)  
SGC01-0103 Discovery of New Alien Life Form (Sentience Indeterminable)  
SGC01-0201 Recovery of New Alien Technology  
SGC01-0202 Detailed Workings of New Technology and Uses Thereof  
SGC01-0203 Description of Novel Alien Culture or Language  
SGC01-3001 Possession of Personnel by Goa’uld  
SGC01-0331 Loss of GDO Remote Device  
SGC01-0332 New IDC Required  
SGC01-0362 Deceased Personnel Returned to Life  
SGC01-0352 Realistic Duplication of Personnel (Robotic or Biological Clone)  
SGC02-0182 Possession of Personnel by Alien Entity Other Than Goa’uld  
SGC02-1101 Infectious Disease (Biological or Nanite)  
SGC02-1102 Expenses Related to Infectious Disease Containment (Biological or Nanite)  
SGC02-1301 Novel Radiation Hazard  
SGC02-1302 Expenses Related to Shielding for Novel Radiation Hazard  
SGC04-0151 Interplanetary Treaty Incident  
SGC04-0223 Involvement in Off-Planet War  
SGC04-1589 Actions Taken Under Alien Influence (Physical)  
SGC04-1590 Actions Taken Under Alien Influence (Mental)  
SGC04-1591 Actions Taken Under Alien Influence (Biological)  
SGC04-1592 Actions Taken Under Alien Influence (Technological)  
SGC04-2101 Damage to Experimental Space Craft  
SGC04-2102 Injury Related to Experimental Space Craft  
SGC04-2103 Loss of Experimental Space Craft  
SGC05-0572 Mind Reading or Telepathic Incident (Updated)  
SGC07-0246 Mind Writing or False Memory Incident (Updated)  
SGC08-1089C Petition for Back Pay while Ascended (Civilian Contractor)  
SGC09-9897 Body Transformation, Temporary or Permanent  
(Supersedes SGC03-0155 Change of Sex and/or Gender by Alien Means)  
SGC12-0189 Significant Incident Impacting Earth Safety (Not Covered by Other Forms)

To his horror, Jack realizes that he can easily think of multiple incidents for each of these forms. Daniel was right; there is a pattern. Far worse, he can almost see why the NID has so many objections to their operations: it’s because they see the situation off-planet through the lens of these forms. 

He skims the list again, this time looking for what isn’t there. There’s no form for “made new friends” or “freed local population from slavery” unless you count “involvement in off-planet war” which gives things a different slant. 

Whoever made these forms was very focused on technology acquisition and technology acquisition only. He’s always known that. He’s been hearing it from day one. But taking a step back and looking at these forms together it’s shocking to realize that nothing here acknowledges any interest in cultivating local assets. He never thought he would miss working with the CIA, but at least they understand the ground game when you are working in foreign regions and need intelligence. 

Most horrifying of all, Jack is about to become That Guy Who Added a Bunch of New Forms.

~~~

When SG-7 manages to track down the one shaman who is said to understand how the technology they triggered works, she eventually stops laughing long enough to tell them they must bring their scientist squid back and place her in the pool near the machine.

“No one ever _stays_ transformed, because the logical thing to do when you become a squid is to get into the pool and the pool transforms you back. You guys just panicked and grabbed her and ran.”

Later that evening SG-7 files a final SGC09-9897 Body Transformation, Temporary: Squid: Resolved.

**Author's Note:**

> Does anyone know a place where people still discuss SG-1 fics? A Discord or something?


End file.
